Revelations

I have had so much to think about and not enough time to blog. I can't wait until this summer when I will actually have time to put my thoughts into words. For the first time in my life, I am challenging and questioning things. Opening myself up to the world and all of its problems. Sure its bringing me to a lot of depression and uncertainty, but it's also making me more self aware and letting me try my hand at facing the world instead of running away from it or leaving it for someone else to take care of. College truly makes one more liberal.
State Convention is this week and while at first I thought it would be a terrible idea to miss a Thursday, I am really excited about getting to go and compete. I realize that I need to have goals in my life. I need something to add meaning and give me a purpose. Have something to work towards. Not that I don't have goals... they're just so far off in the future that it's hard to put them into perspective sometimes.
I love this feeling. it truly feels like being alive. i guess its the things worth living for in life that give it meaning.
and the weather has been so good. it really makes a difference.
i am ready for class to be over. and summer. and new opportunities. and freedom.

College?

I have not made a new post in forever. college is taking over my life and not in a good way. This semester is not what I ever expected college to be like nor what I want it to be. Never in my life have I studied so hard but done so poorly. What the heck? Don't I get a break? Isn't it a good thing that I chose to go into higher education? Am I really paying $14,000 a year to be miserable? If I was worried about keeping Hope last semester I am 100% more worried about it this semester. Taking 16 hours was a terrible idea. I want to be involved and successful and make differences in the world, not feel discouraged and overwhelmed and questioning my motives and purpose. I'm starting to feel like one in a million... lost in a swamp of swampiness. Is this what it's going to feel like in the real world? Like I can't accomplish anything?
How is it that people know so many people here? and that when they say hey to each other its because they're good friends not awkward acquaintances? Do I need to start getting drunk? I feel like I don't smile anymore and that people (especially on my hall) don't really want to get to know me because I'm probably a bitch. I don't really have time to be there friend anyway. I feel like I don't have time to do anything.
I don't know if it's because last semester was so good, but this has been the worst semester ever. I only hope to end it on a high note. I am a successful person at a prestigious university with goals and aspirations. Why am I getting so down on myself? Why can't I be the optimist? Everyone has at least one rough semester, right? And as long as I have above a 3.0, who cares about my gpa? Why be worried about the future when I could be having fun RIGHT now?
urgh I hate college.